March 24, 2023 2:39 p.m. San Francisco
Arrived in San Francisco from Europe to a shitstorm of rain. Four days ago the wind was so strong that I thought my building was going to blow over. The next morning - three days ago - I woke up and saw a sappy, wet spot on my living room floor. I looked above and saw a giant stain in my ceiling, with a small drip hanging there like sap that wouldn't drip. I got on a foot-stand, touched the drip, and my index finger went through the ceiling. At that point, a drop started to fall every three seconds. I talked to my landlord and he told me he'd have a good look at it the next day.
I went to bed that night at 9:30 p.m. then woke up at 11:30 p.m. then fell asleep until 2:30 a.m. When I woke up, I had night terrors until the sun came up. Mid-life crisis terrors: wondering how much time I have left. Wondering what I'll say at so-and-so's funeral when they pass. 56 is alright, but I'm not giddy about it. People die at this age, out of nowhere. One of my dentists died of an aneurism at 60. I though he was old; 60 doesn't sound so old anymore. Mimi Parker died last year at 55. That was a wake-up call. Then Jeremiah Green died of cancer at 45, on New Year's Eve. Another wake-up call.
Yet my sleep was so deep, recently in Malmo, and my dreams were pleasant. Maybe because I never turned on the TV. I did fall asleep with the TV on last night, to some news channel that was most likely full of shitty news. All USA news channels are nightmares. The news is for people who stay inside and want to luxuriate in fear - not for people who want to be informed.
After my night terrors wore off, I felt like I had a rock in my stomach. I was bedridden, just like when I had covid in August.
I couldn't look at a phone, nor could I turn on a TV or open a book. I laid there with chills and back pain, unable to do anything.
Caroline brought me some food and noticed a rash on my chest and back. She first thought I had shingles. She took photos and sent them to a friend who confirmed they were not shingles. I've taken two covid tests. Both negative. I've been eating tons of salmon since I've been home. Maybe I have mercury poisoning. Other than reading four more pages of the Rubin Carter book, I've done nothing over the last few days.
What I learned in those four pages is that the federal judge who freed Rubin on habeas corpus was once a jazz drummer in a European band, led by a black band leader, who told the drummer (who was later to become the judge) why he lived in France. The judge learned from the black band leader what blacks had to endure in the USA. It was very fortunate that this was the judge to make the final decision on Rubin's freedom.
March 27, 2023 2:01 p.m. San Francisco
I'm not sure what I had, but it felt like covid. Today, I had enough strength to walk to The Marina and back. I was almost blinded by how gorgeous the Marina was. It's been a few months since I've walked down there. Orange poppies, clear sky, and a nice view of the bridge. After all of that rain and hail, and the chainsawing of trees up and down my street (due to all of the fallen trees) and listening to a guy pound away with a hammer on my roof, the views I saw today were miraculous. Aquatic Park Pier being closed breaks my heart. It will always break my heart. I'm sure the closing of that pier has broken many people's hearts. I remember fishing on that pier in the 1990s and calling Ivo, of 4AD, to tell him what I caught. Trees up and down my street are broken, making my neighborhood look more and more like a big slab of cement with rows of 12-unit buildings staring at each other from across the street.
And the pier, where fishermen once leaned over the edge, drinking beers, their lines in the water, now looks like a big, dead winding tombstone. I shot the video "Onward" from the end of that pier and "Lemon Balm" was also filmed there.
Just before I took a load of laundry downstairs, on my way out to the Marina, a friend texted me about a Nashville shooting. I'm going to watch news on that tonight. Yep. I'm going to check out the bad news. There's never any good news.
On my way home I saw my neighbor, whose place went up in flames in June of last year. He was sitting in his car outside, looking bewildered, telling me about the ongoing lawsuit with the building. My god. All of those people got fucked in that deal. Some live across the street now, and he now lives in San Mateo, but I'm told that a woman's ear got burned off in that building.
Today I have my health, I have clean sheets and pillowcases, and after holding a grudge with my dad since December (that I don't want to get into) I'm going to give him a call today.
March 28, 2023 6:10 p.m. San Francisco
Caroline and I met for Thai food at about 5 or 6 p.m. yesterday. We'd forgotten that Thai is too sweet for us. I liked it in my twenties, and would get whatever meal, usually Thom Yum Soup with shrimp, and a Thai iced tea. Now Thai food doesn't make me feel good. My stomach didn't feel right last night, then I turned on the news. The Nashville shooting. That kept me up until maybe 3:00 a.m. Staying tuned into the news for that long wasn't on my schedule, but I get emotional about these shootings. In the past, I'd send off anti gun-violence songs in a second. "Pray for Newtown," "Bergen To Trondheim,” "Where's Gilroy?," "Bastille Day," "Day in America," to name a few. I tend to be in the studio when I hear about a shooting, or on tour, where I can put a song together at soundcheck. But I'm not in the studio and I'm not on tour nor do I have it in me at this time for another song about a shooting.
On July 5 last year, I was in a recording studio in L.A, when I left that night with a song referencing the very recent July 4th shooting. Unlike other times, I had no impulse to send it off into the cyber universe where 70,000 singles are being released a day. I'll release it someday. But I know a song isn't going to do anything. If Neil Young's "Ohio" didn't stop people from shooting each other, what are my songs going to do? My feelings about gun violence are well-established. I've sung anti-gun songs all around the world, to thousands of people, but I don't get the sense that anyone gives a fuck. They just want to hear "Carry Me Ohio" and "Glenn Tipton." But then again, a woman in the front row in L.A., earlier this month, requested "Bombs" from a Jesu/Sun Kil Moon album. She wasn't just trying to blow my mind with mentioning a deep cut, like other fools do. She was for real. She had a European accent. Polish maybe. Makes sense, as there are a few shout-outs to Poland in "Bombs."
By 3:00 a.m., I did what I had to do, and opened the Rubin Carter book. As much as I care about the shooting, I need to stay on track with what my plans are, regardless of what happens in the world. My heart goes out to the families of all who passed. Based on the catastrophe I saw, fifteen suicides could likely happen, directly related to that shooting, within a few months. In the aftermath of the death of boxer Duk Koo Kim, two people killed themselves (Duk Koo Kim's mom, and the referee of the Mancini/Kim fight). I believe this latest mass-shooting, where seven people were killed - 3 nine-year olds, 3 adults, plus the adult shooter - will bring a bigger aftermath of suicides than the results of the Mancini/Kim fight. Can I compare a mass shooting to a death caused by boxing? Yes, because there's just as much risk of death entering a boxing ring as there is for a person to enter an American school.
I didn't sleep well. I tried to sleep too long, to get the shooting out of my mind. Again, I picked up the Rubin Carter book and I'm now to the part where he's finally free and living up in Canada.
Today I met Kurt up at the Laundromat for a quick talk, went to La Beau, and spent $70 on what will likely be a day and a half worth of groceries.
I'm just starting to work on organizing my personal taxes, and will get to my business taxes later.
The rain started by maybe 2:00 a.m. last night. Has been on and off, all day. No sign of a leak, so I think they fixed the roof.
I talked to my dad yesterday for the first time since our fall-out in mid-December. I needed the space and to find the right time. I was past my illness. I had laundry in the dryer. The timing was perfect. We had a good talk. Mostly about his inability to use his legs and how grateful he is for the postcards I send him, from pretty much wherever I go. He asked if I was nervous, being in Slovakia recently, so close to Ukraine. I explained to him that I felt confident that Russia and Ukraine wouldn't accidentally bomb a neighboring country, and that I felt less safe in the USA, considering all of the mass shootings that happen, not only at schools, but that also happen at concerts.
March 30, 2023 5:01 p.m. San Francisco
Tons of rain and hail yesterday. Got personal taxes done. Talked with Kurt on the phone. Went to Caroline's for dinner. Talked to Theresa on the phone. Walked several blocks while we talked. Just back from getting my passport photo and a dental appointment. The dentist said she thinks I have cholesterol build up around one of my eyes. I said, "Wow, my teeth must be alright, if you're more focused on my eye?"
My dentist is obsessed with not wanting to age. She's not yet 50. She said I was the fourth person today who complained about fatigue post-50 years old. I asked, "How did you think being 55 would feel, when you were 25?” She said "Ughghgh. I just don't want to think about it." Some people are obsessed with wanting to feel, or look young, post 50-years old. I don't worry about any of that. Sometimes people say, "Mark, you look good, for 56!" So did my uncle Jimmy, at 55, but it didn't stop him from dying of pancreatic cancer. What my dentist doesn't understand is that at 56, she won't want to do the things she did at 48 anymore. She'll be OK with walking a little slower, or staying in for the weekend, or not taking as many trips to Europe with her friends, or whatever.
The ticket link for Austin went up today.
Back at my apartment to pick up a few things. Heading back to Caroline's now.
Beautiful day today.